Crowdsourcing: Resources for dealing with difficult family members

[tanaqui]

With the holiday season coming up, at least some of us are likely to have to spend time with family members who are "difficult". Whether that's because they're Trump supporters, conspiracy theorists, racist, homophobic, various flavors of awful about mental health or physical disabilities or just emotionally abusive and permanently out to undermine us and our choices (and very possibly all of those at once.)

This post is for people to share good resources about how to survive having to spend time with these people. Drop links in the comments and I'll add them to the post.

Dealing with difficult behaviour from family members

https://www.selfdefensefund.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Verbal-Defense.pdf

https://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Say-That-Me/dp/0471003999

https://www.amazon.com/How-Disagree-Without-Being-Disagreeable/dp/0471157015

https://accelerate.uofuhealth.utah.edu/leadership/how-to-disagree-without-being-disagreeable

https://divethru.com/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-with-your-loved-ones/

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-navigate-difficult-relationships-with-family-5120173

https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/abusive-family-members/

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mental-health/dealing-with-abusive-family-members/

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/toxicfamilyholidayguide

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/deal-with-narcissist/

https://www.fairparkcounseling.com/how-to-deal-with-a-drunk-family-member/

https://www.thedailymeal.com/holidays/13-things-never-discuss-thanksgiving-dinner/

https://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/holidays/12-rules-for-a-more-peaceful-and-happy-holiday.aspx

Talking about difficult topics with family members

Resources for children:
https://jgateways.org/news/blog/talking-about-israel-with-children-with-disabilities-and-mental-health-needs/ (broadly applicable to any hot topic)

https://reformjudaism.org/reform-jewish-life/youth-family-community/parenting/how-talk-children-about-conflict-israel

Recommended Books

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Dr Patricia Evans
"The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" By Dr Suzette Elgin


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Comments

Try this ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Use the right tool for the situation. Some people are merely pesky, while others are malicious or downright dangerous. They need different techniques.

https://www.selfdefensefund.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Verbal-Defense.pdf

https://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Say-That-Me/dp/0471003999

https://www.amazon.com/How-Disagree-Without-Being-Disagreeable/dp/0471157015

https://accelerate.uofuhealth.utah.edu/leadership/how-to-disagree-without-being-disagreeable

https://divethru.com/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-with-your-loved-ones/

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-navigate-difficult-relationships-with-family-5120173

https://www.marriage.com/advice/family/abusive-family-members/

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mental-health/dealing-with-abusive-family-members/

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/toxicfamilyholidayguide

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/deal-with-narcissist/

https://www.fairparkcounseling.com/how-to-deal-with-a-drunk-family-member/

https://www.thedailymeal.com/holidays/13-things-never-discuss-thanksgiving-dinner/

https://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/holidays/12-rules-for-a-more-peaceful-and-happy-holiday.aspx

My number one tip is this: Whenever someone does something obnoxious, pull them into a chore. The kids are fighting? You, clear the table; and you, start washing dishes. An adult is bullying someone? Send them out to buy something. There are always things that need to be done. Just interrupting bad behavior can keep it from spreading to other people. It also discourages a repetition. This works best when you have multiple sane adults breaking up the mayhem, and you do need some social dominance to pull it off. And if it means the troublemakers lurk out of sight to avoid chores? As long as they're not setting the house on fire, let them stay out of everyone's hair.

To prevent friction between introverts and extroverts, give the introverts somewhere quiet to go. Most holiday gathers happen at places large enough that you can dedicate a room to the introverts. This deprives bullies of preferred targets and reduces the chance of burned-out introverts biting people's heads off.

[jazzyjj]

Thanks for these links, as well as all other ones posted here. Fortunately, I myself have never had to deal with particularly difficult family members. Sure there's sibling rivalry, and there was definitely a bit of that in my family. Or at least there was back when I was a kid, but it always got resolved rather quickly. I'll definitely check out all of these as time permits.

[labelleizzy]

If you have difficulty with verbally abusive family and you need extra skills, I recommend "the Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Dr Patricia Evans. Recommended to me by a therapist and facilitated me leaving my first husband.

Breaks down verbal abuse strategies so you can spot them, and gives you some tools to combat them and prevent the attacks from landing.

Harder to find is the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense By Dr Suzette Elgin (RIP.) she was called Ozarque on LJ and used to share wonderful linguistics essays and essays on eldering. I miss her.

[tanaqui]

Thanks for the recommendations. I've added them into the post.